In order to be free, I had only to change my
thoughts and perceptions about my situation and what I was capable of doing
with the resources at my disposal.
Though I wanted to DO any number of things in response to
this week’s module, when I sat down to re-read and reflect what was really
speaking to me to write about, Tara’s words above practically jumped up off the
page insistenting I focus on them.
BEing an agreeable sort with my amusing assortment of muses,
I easily capitulated.
First, though, I want to say how clear I am about my Present
Life circumstances, largely discovered through this module’s focus on
Community[ies]. I have felt like the last one picked, an extra with no place I
fit, and oftentimes sorry for myself that my Life is lived largely in Solitude.
It’s funny, I seem to have succumbed to the Always-Want-What-I-Don’t-Have
Syndrome. When I was living with my partner I longed for time to BE alone. Time
for Just ME. Yet when she was off on her own, I simply felt uneasy and afraid.
As I BEgan to branch out in my own ways, I always made sure I didn’t cause
ripples. Consequently, I wasted a whole lot of precious Right Nows…
This module, along with some other things going on
concurrently in my World, revealed a deep and deLIGHTful peace in me. Perhaps I
should call it tranquility. And in this lovely state of BEing and Mind I see
the depth of JOY in me for Life, My Life, exactly as it IS and as it IS NOT.
I love Community, I cherish the many circles of which I have
been a part over my Life’s time. Even Now I often long for deeper connection
with others in A Year With Myself. Fortunately, though, I have found places
that fit ME Now. Connections that are astounding and real and oh so very
ENOUGH.
AND…
I deeply cherish my Solitude. The time I have to DO with as
I please. The space where I live, that while tiny and so very different from
what I had BEfore, fits me like my smile.
I am NOT disconnected. I am NOT alone. I am NOT lonely. I am
Enough. What I have is Enough. What I DO is Enough.
In fact, the community in which I find myself at home, the
one that fits me exquisitely is far bigger than could EVER fit in the Wee
Cottage and far more diverse than I can wrap my brain around…
Sometimes we learn who and where and what we ARE by knowing
what we are NOT, where we are NOT, and what we are NOT. Crazy little system,
eh?!
So, on to Tara’s words that are the point of this week’s
post.
I spent several of the past 6 years since splitting with my
partner looking at what I had lost, what had been taken away from me, and what
I hadn’t really wanted to keep but wasn’t actually trying to hang onto. I spent
so much time and energy trying to find new places to fit. I wanted to just ease
on by the opportunity and fill the missing piece[s] with something else.
Anything else.
The only thing I didn’t DO was try to replace my partner. I
haven’t dated or even really thought about another relationship. Oh, well,
there was a blink in 2011 where I tried to talk myself into trying something
online, but like a very strange and twisted dream, I woke up Very Quickly and
let that BE that. A momentary blurring of intention.
I’ve Now moved and created an entire Life for myself and
most days I don’t really operate in the tooth-that’s-NOT-there-space her
absence left. I no longer want to fill-up what I’d thought “empty” or empty
what I thought “over-full” with her and us and the impossible relationship we
were trying to keep on Life Support…
I sold my car in April, on a whim, pretty much, and I
discover more each day how little I NEED to empty or fill ANYthing. EVER.
I’ve BEcome and am BEcoming someone I really REALLY enJOY
knowing and hanging out with. I’ve learned to play well with “others” who,
frankly, are all variations on myself. Somedays I am quiet, slow, very
introspective. Sometimes in the middle of one of those times I will suddenly
start playing with something and get deliciously lost in it for hours.
Without a car to get around, I’ve learned to use the bus,
and discovered my Life’s long love of walking. I’ve lost so much excess ME-ness
that I Now need clothes much smaller than what I have. But… my budget is very
un-wiggly, so I am practising trusting that this matter will sort itself out
without ME having to “take it in hand” and “show it HOW” to DO that…
This Year With Myself has been and continues to BE
extraordinary. It is my 60th year. It is so NOT what I’d ever imagined
yet is curiously just perfect for me…
I’m learning ways to live within my means and largely have
adjusted my thoughts and perceptions to BE more in harmony with the What Is. I
chose to let go of a vehicle never ever imagining the possibilities and
adventures it would bring to me. Many of which I still only am experiencing in
that place where there are no words that make it make sense.
There are many people I would LOVE to BE part of my World,
as this module brought me to consider. And yet, there are so many others’
Worlds that I am NOW a part of, and none of it “looks like” what that “looks
like” to me. Amazing and deLIGHTfull!!
Trust is one community I am part of Now, that I never was
even interested in BEfore. YES. Just Trust. Imagine my surprise…
Enough is another. Oh, how sweet its fragrance.
Play. Write. BEcause I CAN. Three more places I fit, BElong,
and spend time.
I have people I wouldn’t know if they were in front of me
who are dear and treasured friends.
I spend glorious hours each week reading, enJOYing, and
discovering their words, art, and selves. And they, too, find time to read,
enJOY, and discover ME.
Imagine that…
I have moments I miss Someone. Someone to hug. Someone wants
to and does hug ME. For no reason at all.
So I have learned to hug myself.
It’s an odd community. And it’s mine. Yes indeedie!!!
1 comment:
I so enjoyed this!!
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