Sunday, November 11, 2012

Forgiveness... It's What I Choose Now



Sometimes I get stuck. Like I've stepped in gum. And trying to get it "fixed" is almost worse than just adapting to it. But stuck is stuck and I really REALLY prefer NOT to BE stuck.

Forgiving is a kind of stuckness. It's like when you're first realising about the gum you stepped in and you're really quickly impossibly MAD that this has happened to YOU!!!

[okay, mayBE that is just something peculiar to me...]

Forgiving is always an option. ALWAYS. I forget this though. Actually, I've spent years without remembering it...

I was outside raking leaves earlier. I was remembering raking leaves in my Life. Remembering a big push thing that the leaves seemed to pop into... Is that a real memory?! I don't know. But it's in there, so what am I going to DO?!

The leaves reminded me of forgiveness, or more accurately, my unwillingness to forgive. I've held on and held fast to BEing "done wrong." To BEing the victim of another's cruelty and unkindness. To the hurt inside me that wouldn't, that I couldn't seem to stop.

What I thought next was how I was generally waiting for someone else to ask me for forgiveness. Like when I was little and thought that husbands had to BE older than wives. That this was a State Law. [yes, I was a wonky little girl with a busy brain] 

Waiting for someone else to change my mind. That's what I was DOing, what I have DONE, nearly all my Life I think...

If I haven't forgiven someone, of course that is BEcause that someone didn't ask me to. Didn't acknowledge out loud and directly their wrongs.

Crazy business this, living inside THIS brain...

All of this is to say that I Now know I've had it wrong. Backwards and inside out and upside down. Those leaves weren't "wrong." I just wanted to rake them up. For me. Period. End of story.

No one thanked me for raking them. Didn't even notice. 

Curious thing, though, Gracie was very happy when I was sweeping the leaves off the patio. She wanted to play "Broom" which has been a favourite game of hers since she was the size of a sack of apples.

Once I started raking she found something I'd picked up the other day on a walk and decided to chew it up some...

So this is Forgiveness. It is DOing what's in front of me. It's NOT about someone else. It is just about ME. 

I could have grown very old waiting for someone to ask for my forgiveness. And you know what else?! Some of the someones I've needed most to forgive aren't even on the planet anymore.

I guess it's simple. Forgiveness is a choice. It is always there. NO. MATTER. WHAT.

I liked this module BEcause it let me sift through a lot of stuff I have thoughtandfelt about forgiving. BEing forgiven. All that... And it gave me more to think on. 

That's always good. Now... to find out if there really is a raking thingie or if I have just made that up like I used to state laws...



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