A Year With Myself
Prompt from Karen Caterson on Module 9:
Authenticity
WHAT MAKES ME UNIQUE?
It’s been a curious week for me, noticing my uniqueness and
simultaneously wanting to gut myself and start fresh. I suppose that’s NOT EVEN unique. Seems to BE a lot of this
going around. Perhaps what makes me unique, or what it is that most of all
stands out is that I have only recently started to take myself seriously lightly. Oxymoronic
though that may BE, that’s my story. At least today.
These past six years I have been in a long and drawn-out
transitional period. I have gone from sick and only enJOYing a few days a week
without complications from Spina Bifida setting the tone to days and weeks completely
uncomplicated, at least by my physical health challenges. I have gone from
BEing in a 12-year relationship through its 3-year demise, and Now I am quite
content living in relative Solitude in The Wee Cottage with Gracie. I have let
go of 99% of the STUFF that I’d accumulated in my Life: books, art, photographs,
clothing, tools, all of my writing, and every other odd yet treasured thing,
despite spending all of 2007 and 2008 sorting and packing it up and putting it
into storage for a “when” that never materialised. And when I moved East in
2009, I figured I’d go back for it, never really wrapping my head or my heart
round the idea that “going back” and “stuff” would BE 2 things I would live far
far better without. And even that
realisation came slowly…
A part of me knows that the above isn’t unique; another part
is completely convinced that it is simply BEcause it is MY Story. So, in an
effort to keep peace within my Spirit I let those parts of me BE, recognising
the objective is NOT at all about choosing one over the other, but instead to
love them like you love teenagers, especially the ones who used to think you
totally rocked their World. It’s prickly and oftentimes more thorny than rosy,
but so goes Life with beautimous blooms.
WHICH AREA OR AREAS
OF MY UNIQUENESS ARE EMBARRASSING OR UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME; WHICH AM I PROUD OF?
Probably there are layers to this response, but I am only
going to deal with what’s floating to the top for me Right Now. I’ve lived the
past 50 years from the 9 year old me who was told NO, she could NOT participate
UNTIL she had learned to write in Cursive. We moved in April of my 4th
grade year. It was the single most awful thing that literally knocked the
stuffing out of me. Moreso even than BEing diagnosed with Spina Bifida at the
age of 36. I was a ravenous learner, a little girl with the sort of audacity
and fearlessness that rivaled Pippi Longstocking! That teacher DOing that
literally left me hobbled ever since.
Why is this embarrassing and uncomfortable?! I suppose
BEcause I have spent these past 50 years feeling I was on the outside and never
welcome in. I’ve been routinely startled by anyone’s warmth or welcoming,
unable and unwilling to trust that it’s NOT a ruse, NOT another set-up. As a
result I have gone from job to job and BEfore that school to school,
relationship to relationship, and only Now, as I am on the eve of turning 59, have
I realised this pattern AND where it sprang from. Now, don’t misunderstand, I
KNOW I have the track records in all of the above that I have, I know how lumpy
and difficult it is for me to love, to BElieve something really is possible, especially
for me, but it’s only been in the past 6 months or so that I’ve BEgun to see
the puzzle in its entirety.
As for the areas I am proud of… well, I suppose that would
BE my courage, my “gumption” to keep on keeping on. While I’m no stranger to
serious considerations and a few definite efforts to end it, [it BEing my Life]
I clearly did NOT succeed. I think this is pretty remarkable, especially when I
consider myself pretty much “out there” and never ever truly “inside” anywhere
or any relationship I’ve had. Even as convinced as I can BE that no one would
miss me, and in fact my taking myself out would improve the lot of others, I
keep breathing in and out and walking upright. I suppose it’s my insatiable
curiosity…
HOW DO I NURTURE MY
UNIQUENESS?
This one is much easier. I nurture it simply by
acknowledging it exists. By choosing to BElieve that I had a purpose coming
here, meaning to Life, or Something had one for me. There is something MUCH BIGGER
than how I feel or where I “fit” [or don’t fit]. And certainly something far
more definitive than writing in Cursive. I suppose the biggest thing I DO on a
daily basis is that I write. Every day. A LOT. And I keep showing up. And I
encourage myself.
HOW DO I SHARE MY
UNIQUENESS WITH THE WORLD?
I don’t know. Somedays I think I share it by writing. Other
days, well, I guess most days I hope I am sharing something of myself that is
of value to the World. Even if that is only picking up Gracie’s poop. I don’t
know what people with dogs are [or aren’t] thinking when they leave poop
wherever, but I know that for ME, I am responsible. I DO my part. Simple as
that. NOT that I am judging anyone, really, just that somehow I think the “right”
answer to this question, for ME, just for this day, is that basic.
WHAT GETS IN THE WAY
OF SHARING MORE OF MY UNIQUENESS?
Pretty much that thing that I’ve let one horrible teacher DO:
Tell Me NO. I’m a compulsive apologiser and a chronic over-explainer. Both of
these things keep me keeping myself hiding-out.
