Module 27: TIME
It was quite amazing to me to read through this module, to
take in that so much of what Jennifer Gresham and Ali Davies shared were things
that I am at a place of deep peace with, most of the time…
MayBE it is BEcause I have had over a decade of BEing on
disability. Or mayBE it’s BEcause I have upended Pretty Much Everything about
my Life and recreated a Life where I am only concerned with ME and Gracie, my
dog. I know both those play a part in this rediscovered peace, yet even as I
wrote that I was aware of an undercurrent that isn’t altogether remotely
peaceful.
I suppose it could also BE my age. In any case, Time and I
are very good friends. I have created routines, practises, and habits that
encourage me from the moment I wake up [very early] until the moment I close my
eyes and go to sleep [also very early]. I am no longer plagued by my moods
shifting serendipitously and I no longer consider whether or NOT I am “feeling
like” DOing something, something which made BEing ME a daily crap-shoot for 50+
years…
Time and I have found a rhythm that is similar to the one
Gracie and I have. I have completed and accomplished more in the past year+
simply by DOing what I’ve chosen to DO. Who knew?!
However, there are days, and today is one of them, where I
feel swept up, like in the ocean, when the tide is far stronger than I am. Time
feels all wobbly and I keep having to talk myself in off the ledge. I know that
this happens when EXPECTATION steps onto the stage.
When my Life was first turning upside down, in the Fall of
2006, I started this way of talking to myself, talking myself through the “wobblies”
and over time, I have reworked and refined this practise. I was exhausted yesterday
after Day 1 of camp [and really, I am only DOing 2 days, 3 hours total, so it’s
a little unnerving and embarrassing that I let it swallow me up so…] and I don’t
think it was even 7 o’clock when I fell into bed.
BUT… there was my busy brain at 2-something this morning,
jabbering and jabbing me awake. I was so all over the place and most of all on
my case about how things didn’t go as I’d hoped. I started making excuses and
getting pissy indignant, and the entire show was going on in my own sleepy
head!!
Needless to say, I didn’t fall back asleep until FINALLY,
around 4, which is generally when I get up.
Oh well…
I suppose the gist of this is that Time and I try to dance
together, but sometimes toes get stepped on and one or the other of us forgets
who is leading, who is following. When we DO this we seem to BE at
cross-purposes.
Breathe, Currie…
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