Pausing Whilst Playing: My Magical Now

Spiraling Up 

Ó 2012 Currie Silver, Wee Cottage Wonders

Somewhere in the late fall of 2005, I had something of an epiphany. I was dealing with my health and its steady decline and disruption of daily Life. I’d been on disability for nearly 4 years, spent way too much time at doctor appointments AND in hospital, and I simply said “WHEN!!!!” as I’d had Enough.

I’d met with “my surgeon” [talk about a sentence I’d never imagined coming from my lips] and he’d given me my options. Suddenly I said, I’m going to go a different way, though at that moment I hadn’t the first inkling of what that “WAY” was, looked like, or, frankly, anything about it at all.

As I was reading and exploring through A Year With Myself Module 23: Mindfulness: Learning to Use the Power of Now as a Tool for Change, I was suddenly aware of  the arc from that day to this. I could see where I’d actually “gone a different way.” And I felt my whole BEing break into a smile. [Note to Self: Trust Your Wild-Assed Utterly Crazy Notions… Just DO It!]

Susannah Conway’s prompt is utterly second nature for me. I realised that the pausing and giving myself time, Right Now, to notice and note Right Now, I see, hear, smell, taste, feel… was exactly how I have moved from BEing a person dealing with her disability to BEing ME, Currie, Living My Life NOW.

This is, of course, the very short version of How I Travelled, but it’s more than enough. It was that idea, somewhat, I admit, borrowed from the 12 Step World’s ODAT [one day at a time] and the I’ve had it with BEing a sick person. Somehow, like rubbing two sticks together, I’d built a cozy campfire.

Although I canNOT tell you precisely what changed, I CAN tell you EVERYthing did. How I think, how I see, how I approach events, how I talk to myself, how I hear what others say, how I hear that once very quiet voice that Now speaks up boldly and regularly…

I’ve also changed a LOT of the outer bits of Life. I’ve moved, twice, and ended a long relationship which seemed impossible to move BEyond until, finally, I just Let Go the side of the pool and swam for all I’m worth.

I’ve started writing again, something that, frankly, I’d forgotten I love so VERY much. I am exploring what interests and intrigues me, stepping BEyond the safety of what I CAN DO to discover what is possible.

It’s scary at times, I admit, but oh is it sweet to BE Me, Right Here & Now.