Self-Cherishment

Module 25: Self-Nurture for A Year With Myself www.AYearWithMyself.com

I have to say straightaway that I much prefer the more rooted in lovingkindness view of “self-care” taken by both of this module’s instigators. Sometimes I forget that I DO what I DO BEcause I have learned that It Works Well For Me. I continue to listen and learn other ways, sometimes even “better” ways than my own, yet I always keep in heart and mind that I didn’t just slap on a coat of “self-care paint” overtop the rest of me, like a primer that covers old stains.

Lianne Raymond’s prompt, to consider 3 elements she BElieves “help bring us to a place of self-cherishment” was most thought-provoking for me. I loved how they all started with the letter “I” and her frequent nods to Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love who visited 3 countries in the year her book spans, all of which start with “I.” I don’t know just what it was about this that tickled me so, just that it did.

1.    Indulgence ~ to give what is desired but NOT necessary.

How lovely this definition. One I have actually come to know well in these past 6 years of flying solo. I used to think someone else in charge of this [embarrassing as it is to admit this] FOR ME whilst also thinking I was responsible for indulging another.

While the dictionary talks of it as wishes, luxuries, tolerance, and even remission [leaving out entirely a period for repayment, HELLO?!] I much prefer Lianne’s definition. Yet more than the word or the meanings, I like the idea that this is part of and actually essential to cherishing myself.

As I’ve been growing into my artist-self these past few years, I’ve noticed that while I DO indeed love people buying my art, the real treat of making it, for ME, is gifting it. I have a young friend, he’s turned 4 a couple months back Now, and I’ve NOT seen him since last July. Each of his birthdays I have given him a piece of art made especially for him. I realise that toys are probably more what he’d “enJOY Now” and once I DID give him some Matchbox cars. It’s just that I so love making something for him that I simply canNOT succumb to the status quo.

I’ve got a new painting for him, one I hope to BE able to “indulge” myself to give when we get together next. It seems to me that gifting my art is one of the nicest ways I cherish and yes, even “care for” my heart, my Spirit, and ME.

2.    Idleness ~ time and space to DO nothing.

Another lovely notion, this one. Actually it’s one I have practised well and definitely look for other delicious ways to encourage myself to enJOY just BEing.

I have to say that Gracie, my Golden Retriever, has been a great teacher for me, modeling exquisite idleness in a way that makes it look BEyond delightful. Just this morning, pre-walk, she had a wild romp round the neighbourhood, running so fast it seemed she was flying, this big grin NOT only on her sweet face but vibrating like waves off her whole BEing. I loved seeing that, and the guy in the jeep who stopped, clearly BEing watchful of my nutty girl, who took the time to ask if he could pet her!!!

So yes, I concur and practise in a similar fashion, finding and making moments and often hours, sometimes whole days, and on occasion longer stretches “indulging idleness” in my Life. It looks so good on Gracie, how she is so content BEing and then, in a blink, she can BE “idle” BEing a nut, running wild and free. I would imagine it also “looks good” on me, as I notice myself Now sleeping deeper and better, waking rested, refreshed, and eager to embrace the new day than EVER since, well, perhaps EVER. I really can’t remember ME EVER having such a balance as I Now have [and almost take for granted, except, REALLY, I don’t].

3.    Imagination ~ bringing BEauty into Life (from Old French imaginer – meaning to sculpt, paint, decorate, embellish).

I spent the better part of yesterday working with one line from a “poeming project” that was born during A Year With Myself, when I was writing my own Manifesto. I’ve wanted to make this “book” of my poeming and art, and recently was made aware of ICAD2 which is creating on and Index Card A Day, the brainchild of Tammy at Daisy Yellow Art http://daisyyellowart.com/icad/ which after DOing for a couple of days I had that blinding flash of the obvious disrupt my oblivion and make me wake up to “put things together” in a V-8 sort of smiling headslap way…

The line: REACH WITH IMAGINATION was a little bit like having Peter Pan pop into the Wee Cottage. I’ve “reached” with insistence and I’ve reached with “irritation” but what I find works so much “better” as in in a lovely way indeed, is Reaching With My Imagination. It, my Imagination, has wings to fly, gills to swim, and whatever else I might “require” to bring BEauty into Life.

I spent time “illustrating” it and I kept finding new, OTHER, NOT “better”, ways. I had fun and I realised that I am one fortunate cookie, getting to spend a day in such an indulgent pursuit. Perhaps even an Indulgent Idle Imaginative pursuit!!!

Life has grown interesting for me these past few years. I’d thought I was “getting over lost love” and “learning to Let Go” and carry on, but what I see Now that I couldn’t have seen without thinking I was DOing all “that” is that Life has opened new doors and I have been seeing how to step through them, even if I was perfectly content to stay in the hallway a few years too long…

Self-Cherishment?! Yes!!! Bring It ON!!!

Simplicity Is an Advanced Course

Module 24: Simplicity  from A Year With Myself www.AYearWithMyself.com

Weekly Prompt from Michelle Russell

It’s curious to me, how these past several modules and weeks have seemed, initially [and sometimes longer] to NOT really BE “new news” to me. So I really enJOYed playing with the notion Michelle www.Michelle-Russell.com brought via Sri Chinmoy’s quote, “Simplicity is an advanced course.”

While I don’t in any way mean to say or even imply that I’ve “been there, done that, and NOT bought the t-shirt” [BEcause, REALLY, how many t-shirts does a girl need?! J] I DO mean to say I feel like this is timely RE-inspiration. Module 24 was like having a checklist and checking things off, noting with some amazing Gratitude and relief that I have indeed taken the road less travelled or the right-for-me fork in that road.

The ideas of Needing, Wanting, and Enough have danced BEside me like Tinkerbell or Jiminy Cricket. In particular, during the past 9 months, when:

1. I actually DID have my income cut by 2/3rds and there it has stayed so that Now I am crystal clear about what is Need, Want, and Enough for ME;

2. I have had some amazing insights [several, admittedly, via A Year With Myself] and gigantic and colossal breakthroughs [like letting go of my Life’s worth of “stuff” in the storage in Sedona, and selling my car, using my legs and feet and public transportation to get wherever I truly NEED to BE]; and

3. I have utterly and completely Let Go of any notions that More is “better” than whatever IS or Is NOT.

I won’t pretend I ever really grasped the truth of Simplicity. I DO have a t-shirt that says simply “Simplify” and I love it and have worn it so often I think one day it might just evaporate! I even chose the word, Simplify, as my word-for-the-year in 2010. I think it was working on me at a much deeper level Then, but Now and in these past 9 months, I have held it really close to my heart.

This year my word is Discipline. In 2011 it was Visible. I don’t see any of this as oddly coincidental. In fact, I see it as empowering and VERY encouraging.

Now, to complete the sentences [which I’ll likely expand into paragraphs and ultimately far more, so this usually goes for me in AYWM].

To me, “enough money” means… 

I am current and complete with my financial responsibilities. Since I live on a fixed income, Social Security Disability, I know exactly how much money I have coming in and Now that I no longer have the 2/3rds that went away in September, I am VERY clear on what goes out and WHEN it goes out. The letting my car go and all that lifetime of “stuff” in storage are all about what is “enough” and what is the illusion of “enough” or “necessary.” It’s no real surprise that I am living within my means Now that I don’t have that extra which really was “excess/excessive.”

I don’t have enough _____ in my Life.

Well, I KNOW this isn’t meant to BE a trick question, but honestly, I don’t have an I don’t have enough ____ in my Life. I have everything I need or at least I am content with what I have. MayBE the only thing I could put there is Forgiveness.

I have too much ____ in my Life.

Well NOW I have an answer… I have too much debt leftover from when I had the extra support and a lifestyle that let me once again disrespect the whole notion of credit cards. I have too much shame about that, and too much regret that I didn’t catch on sooner, BEfore I got into the situation I am in.

I have just enough ____ in my Life.

This time I can make a list:

Time

Health

Energy

Joy

Wonder

Companionship [yes, really, I know my mum worries, but I am so happy in my quiet and simple little Life here in the Wee Cottage with Gracie]

Laughter

Inspiration

Challenge

Opportunity

Delight

Even though I complain or have complained [that is a word I dislike Very Much], my Life is extraordinary. I’m learning how to simplify it, enJOY its nooks and crannies, let it lift me up, and give me the capacity to imagine what is possible.

Pausing Whilst Playing: My Magical Now

Spiraling Up 

Ó 2012 Currie Silver, Wee Cottage Wonders

Somewhere in the late fall of 2005, I had something of an epiphany. I was dealing with my health and its steady decline and disruption of daily Life. I’d been on disability for nearly 4 years, spent way too much time at doctor appointments AND in hospital, and I simply said “WHEN!!!!” as I’d had Enough.

I’d met with “my surgeon” [talk about a sentence I’d never imagined coming from my lips] and he’d given me my options. Suddenly I said, I’m going to go a different way, though at that moment I hadn’t the first inkling of what that “WAY” was, looked like, or, frankly, anything about it at all.

As I was reading and exploring through A Year With Myself Module 23: Mindfulness: Learning to Use the Power of Now as a Tool for Change, I was suddenly aware of  the arc from that day to this. I could see where I’d actually “gone a different way.” And I felt my whole BEing break into a smile. [Note to Self: Trust Your Wild-Assed Utterly Crazy Notions… Just DO It!]

Susannah Conway’s prompt is utterly second nature for me. I realised that the pausing and giving myself time, Right Now, to notice and note Right Now, I see, hear, smell, taste, feel… was exactly how I have moved from BEing a person dealing with her disability to BEing ME, Currie, Living My Life NOW.

This is, of course, the very short version of How I Travelled, but it’s more than enough. It was that idea, somewhat, I admit, borrowed from the 12 Step World’s ODAT [one day at a time] and the I’ve had it with BEing a sick person. Somehow, like rubbing two sticks together, I’d built a cozy campfire.

Although I canNOT tell you precisely what changed, I CAN tell you EVERYthing did. How I think, how I see, how I approach events, how I talk to myself, how I hear what others say, how I hear that once very quiet voice that Now speaks up boldly and regularly…

I’ve also changed a LOT of the outer bits of Life. I’ve moved, twice, and ended a long relationship which seemed impossible to move BEyond until, finally, I just Let Go the side of the pool and swam for all I’m worth.

I’ve started writing again, something that, frankly, I’d forgotten I love so VERY much. I am exploring what interests and intrigues me, stepping BEyond the safety of what I CAN DO to discover what is possible.

It’s scary at times, I admit, but oh is it sweet to BE Me, Right Here & Now.

The Wonders of Learning To LET GO…

The Wonders of Learning To LET GO Ó  2012 Currie Silver

Alycia Neighbors’ prompt in A Year With Myself’s Module 22: Letting Go asked me straightaway last week to let myself ponder the somewhat littler Letting Goes of Life. Her delightful story of her daughter’s lost tooth reminded me of when I first BEgan even to BE aware that Letting Go was part of Life.

Having grown-up in a rather mobile way, I never truly understood what was required to hang onto the “stuff” that I’d accumulated. It just seemed to BE there. Until, that is, it was MY responsibility to move it. This, along with presumptions of so many things, made it exceedingly difficult for me to part with “things” as Life rolled on.

I remember my first significant “move” on my own, after my divorce in 1983. Moving across the country with my nearing 5-year old son, taking him 3000 miles from his dad, I recall BEing more concerned with our things than that fact.

Within the first year of BEing transplanted, I found myself without my son, having been overwhelmed by the sheer enormousness of EVERYthing Life was dishing up to me. He’d gone to spend part of the summer with his dad and I said, Let him go to school there, with you… It was at this time when I first discovered what Letting Go was REALLY about. Well, at least for me.

The odd yet honest thing I just put all together from writing the above was how little I understood about Letting Go of people. You see, I’d grown up living at a significant distance from my mother, and living with my father and stepmother, I was at a remove from him as well. I’d got used to having good friends at a distance, too, and seeing them in the summers, at camp, seemed to me actually normal.

Letting Go isn’t that hard, at least in my brain it’s NOT. But here’s another true confession. Shortly after I’d “let go” of my son I was attending a church where I was fortunate to have a minister who would talk with me. Mostly our talk was about Life things, NOT so much in a therapeutic way, but our talks did have that bent to them as well. I recall asking her to help me understand how to Let Go.

Honestly, I didn’t know HOW-TO. It was really a forest for the trees sort of thing. I remember she said to think of something as though it were inside a balloon. Then, let the balloon slip out of my hand, up up up and into the sky.

This has been my working definition for Letting Go for nearly 30 years Now. Always the whatever inside the balloon and up up up into the sky.

Now, with my son the age I was when I first started to ask how to Let Go, I once again find myself seeing trees where I used to only see a forest. I am one of the fortunate few who still has both her parents. Although I canNOT even remember them when they were together anymore, I realise that I’ve long ago let both of them go.

BUT…

I can’t figure, for the Life of me, how I WILL ultimately Let Go of them when that time comes. I suppose I am assuming they will go BEfore I DO, yet that is again an assumption. I mean, HOW DO I Let Go of mother and a father who have had only the smallest of roles in my Life for 50 years Now?!

These are some of my thoughty thinks about Letting Go. I didn’t set out to think them or write about them, I just let the Alycia’s prompt ride along with me.

Earlier today I had an appointment with my doctor. He was surprised that I’d Let Go of my car since our last visit in February. He wondered at my having NOT got a bicycle, or, in my case, a 3-wheeler. I realised as I answered him that I simply like living inside my day. “A bicycle is just another thing to consider, take care of, and manage. I am DOing fine,” I said, “riding the bus and using my own steam to get where I need to go to DO what I need to DO.”

In that response I pretty much have summed-up my thoughts on Letting Go. If it is essential to this day, I find how to manage it. If it means I have to stretch way BEyond this day, I simply don’t go there anymore.

Letting Go of my car was both sudden and slightly bodacious. And having lived Now 2 months without it, I realise how much I was always carting about and holding onto while I had it. I continue to reduce the amount of “stuff” I have. I am more aware of Holding On and Letting Go. They are so constant Now that I sometimes forget how far apart they lived for my whole Life up until recently.

Tying this back to Alycia’s prompt, I never really knew that holding onto the “stuff” of my Life, like my car, was blurring my vision. Since I let my car go I have felt like an entirely different person. I have discovered so much more strength, physically speaking, in me. I relish the walking I DO Now, the tiredness of my body at the end of a day. I have grown a new Soul in many ways, simply through reducing my Life’s cost by eliminating all that it costs to have a vehicle in this World.

I’d like to say I did this for the reasons above, but that wouldn’t BE the truth. I did it BEcause it was the only thing I could DO Right Now to reduce the costs of my Life.

BUT…

Instead of “reducing” anything I have been added to. I have opened up. And I have grown in ways both wondrous and diverse.

I have discovered myself inside my balloon. IMAGINE my surprise…