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| Learning To Let Go Ó Currie Silver 2011 |
I have been judging myself and my level of attachment to and
participation in the variety of groups I am or have been part of. In
particular, since it’s the one I am still most geared up for and plugged into,
I’ve been judging my recent roaming far afield of the AYWM community. I’ve been
thinking pretty harshly of my having any expectations at all of other people I
don’t really know. And yet, I have these thoughts. This is NOT something I need
to dig deep to discover. It’s right at the surface.
Last year and for the years of 2006 through 2010, I was all
about trying to BElong, BE a part of, BE accepted, included, and most of all
wanted. I can see the flaws in my approach very well from here, but during
those years I couldn’t see it even if it jumped up and bit me on the nose. I
felt there was this great conspiracy and trickery afoot. Why did people seem so
welcoming and encouraging only to turn tail and run or flat-out ignore me when
I stepped in their direction?! How was it that people I really didn’t know [or perhaps
even like… the truth is just that simple] seemed to so quickly size me up and
pass me over?! Again and again and again. Even the ones I thought there was
some “there there” when we connected?!
Funny, sharing that “out loud” in writing lets me see myself
in the way that brain scans reveal things that we’d’ve never imagined could BE
seen, even KNOWN… It’s NOT even embarrassing to reveal this. It’s a relief. It’s
like carrying an umbrella and rain gear through the desert on the off-chance
that there might BE rain. Surely I did NOT think I was THAT important to THAT
MANY people that they would all have conspired to leave me out or turn their
backs?!!!?
This goes to the heart of How I DO Anything Is How I DO
Everything. Lately I have made some HUGE changes in Who I AM and How I Live In
This World. Some of it may well BE due to AYWM and the other things I have
patched together over the past 6 years of zigs and zags, to-ing and fro-ing.
The first BIG thing was letting go all the stuff I’d acquired, accumulated,
deemed still essential to keep though all the while thinking I was really
paring way down. The amount of stuff I left BEhind in storage in Sedona when I
left to move East in June of 2009 boggles my mind. Blows it in fact.
Now I have let go of having something with 4 wheels, save
for my nifty cart which has four
wheels but NOT anything like steering
capacity. I have learned to use public transportation and the two feet at the
ends of my 2 legs. I haven’t even gone and got myself a bicycle, though I would
get a 3-wheeler simply BEcause I know a regular bike would wreak havoc with my
entire mid-section. I am learning each moment of each day how little I really
require. How there isn’t [and likely never was] any good reason for my
obsession with acquiring and “having” what I had acquired.
How I am “down-sizing” or “right-sizing” or simply adapting
myself to Life Now is an across the board endeavour. It’s the same process with
each new thing that comes into the equation. BEing a part of or acknowledged or
noticed or even wanted have all lost their former compulsive appeal, too.
Instead of noticing how this one or that is NOT living up to my expectations,
NOT giving me what’s due me, or what have you, I am noticing how lovely it is
to BE. Just BE. I have also discovered that the things I DO Now are done By ME
For ME and NOT for anyone else’s approval or acknowledgement.
I suppose the biggest Ah-Ha!! for me has been the
realisation that I please myself and that is really quite something. I have
fewer and fewer expectations and really no demands. That’s huge. Gigantic even…
Letting Go has BEcome my Way. My practise, you might say… I
savour and enJOY moments Now, even exceedingly long ones as in the steamy
laundromat this morning. I show up. I Live. It’s just How I DO it. Now…
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