Self-Cherishment

Module 25: Self-Nurture for A Year With Myself www.AYearWithMyself.com

I have to say straightaway that I much prefer the more rooted in lovingkindness view of “self-care” taken by both of this module’s instigators. Sometimes I forget that I DO what I DO BEcause I have learned that It Works Well For Me. I continue to listen and learn other ways, sometimes even “better” ways than my own, yet I always keep in heart and mind that I didn’t just slap on a coat of “self-care paint” overtop the rest of me, like a primer that covers old stains.

Lianne Raymond’s prompt, to consider 3 elements she BElieves “help bring us to a place of self-cherishment” was most thought-provoking for me. I loved how they all started with the letter “I” and her frequent nods to Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love who visited 3 countries in the year her book spans, all of which start with “I.” I don’t know just what it was about this that tickled me so, just that it did.

1.    Indulgence ~ to give what is desired but NOT necessary.

How lovely this definition. One I have actually come to know well in these past 6 years of flying solo. I used to think someone else in charge of this [embarrassing as it is to admit this] FOR ME whilst also thinking I was responsible for indulging another.

While the dictionary talks of it as wishes, luxuries, tolerance, and even remission [leaving out entirely a period for repayment, HELLO?!] I much prefer Lianne’s definition. Yet more than the word or the meanings, I like the idea that this is part of and actually essential to cherishing myself.

As I’ve been growing into my artist-self these past few years, I’ve noticed that while I DO indeed love people buying my art, the real treat of making it, for ME, is gifting it. I have a young friend, he’s turned 4 a couple months back Now, and I’ve NOT seen him since last July. Each of his birthdays I have given him a piece of art made especially for him. I realise that toys are probably more what he’d “enJOY Now” and once I DID give him some Matchbox cars. It’s just that I so love making something for him that I simply canNOT succumb to the status quo.

I’ve got a new painting for him, one I hope to BE able to “indulge” myself to give when we get together next. It seems to me that gifting my art is one of the nicest ways I cherish and yes, even “care for” my heart, my Spirit, and ME.

2.    Idleness ~ time and space to DO nothing.

Another lovely notion, this one. Actually it’s one I have practised well and definitely look for other delicious ways to encourage myself to enJOY just BEing.

I have to say that Gracie, my Golden Retriever, has been a great teacher for me, modeling exquisite idleness in a way that makes it look BEyond delightful. Just this morning, pre-walk, she had a wild romp round the neighbourhood, running so fast it seemed she was flying, this big grin NOT only on her sweet face but vibrating like waves off her whole BEing. I loved seeing that, and the guy in the jeep who stopped, clearly BEing watchful of my nutty girl, who took the time to ask if he could pet her!!!

So yes, I concur and practise in a similar fashion, finding and making moments and often hours, sometimes whole days, and on occasion longer stretches “indulging idleness” in my Life. It looks so good on Gracie, how she is so content BEing and then, in a blink, she can BE “idle” BEing a nut, running wild and free. I would imagine it also “looks good” on me, as I notice myself Now sleeping deeper and better, waking rested, refreshed, and eager to embrace the new day than EVER since, well, perhaps EVER. I really can’t remember ME EVER having such a balance as I Now have [and almost take for granted, except, REALLY, I don’t].

3.    Imagination ~ bringing BEauty into Life (from Old French imaginer – meaning to sculpt, paint, decorate, embellish).

I spent the better part of yesterday working with one line from a “poeming project” that was born during A Year With Myself, when I was writing my own Manifesto. I’ve wanted to make this “book” of my poeming and art, and recently was made aware of ICAD2 which is creating on and Index Card A Day, the brainchild of Tammy at Daisy Yellow Art http://daisyyellowart.com/icad/ which after DOing for a couple of days I had that blinding flash of the obvious disrupt my oblivion and make me wake up to “put things together” in a V-8 sort of smiling headslap way…

The line: REACH WITH IMAGINATION was a little bit like having Peter Pan pop into the Wee Cottage. I’ve “reached” with insistence and I’ve reached with “irritation” but what I find works so much “better” as in in a lovely way indeed, is Reaching With My Imagination. It, my Imagination, has wings to fly, gills to swim, and whatever else I might “require” to bring BEauty into Life.

I spent time “illustrating” it and I kept finding new, OTHER, NOT “better”, ways. I had fun and I realised that I am one fortunate cookie, getting to spend a day in such an indulgent pursuit. Perhaps even an Indulgent Idle Imaginative pursuit!!!

Life has grown interesting for me these past few years. I’d thought I was “getting over lost love” and “learning to Let Go” and carry on, but what I see Now that I couldn’t have seen without thinking I was DOing all “that” is that Life has opened new doors and I have been seeing how to step through them, even if I was perfectly content to stay in the hallway a few years too long…

Self-Cherishment?! Yes!!! Bring It ON!!!

Simplicity Is an Advanced Course

Module 24: Simplicity  from A Year With Myself www.AYearWithMyself.com

Weekly Prompt from Michelle Russell

It’s curious to me, how these past several modules and weeks have seemed, initially [and sometimes longer] to NOT really BE “new news” to me. So I really enJOYed playing with the notion Michelle www.Michelle-Russell.com brought via Sri Chinmoy’s quote, “Simplicity is an advanced course.”

While I don’t in any way mean to say or even imply that I’ve “been there, done that, and NOT bought the t-shirt” [BEcause, REALLY, how many t-shirts does a girl need?! J] I DO mean to say I feel like this is timely RE-inspiration. Module 24 was like having a checklist and checking things off, noting with some amazing Gratitude and relief that I have indeed taken the road less travelled or the right-for-me fork in that road.

The ideas of Needing, Wanting, and Enough have danced BEside me like Tinkerbell or Jiminy Cricket. In particular, during the past 9 months, when:

1. I actually DID have my income cut by 2/3rds and there it has stayed so that Now I am crystal clear about what is Need, Want, and Enough for ME;

2. I have had some amazing insights [several, admittedly, via A Year With Myself] and gigantic and colossal breakthroughs [like letting go of my Life’s worth of “stuff” in the storage in Sedona, and selling my car, using my legs and feet and public transportation to get wherever I truly NEED to BE]; and

3. I have utterly and completely Let Go of any notions that More is “better” than whatever IS or Is NOT.

I won’t pretend I ever really grasped the truth of Simplicity. I DO have a t-shirt that says simply “Simplify” and I love it and have worn it so often I think one day it might just evaporate! I even chose the word, Simplify, as my word-for-the-year in 2010. I think it was working on me at a much deeper level Then, but Now and in these past 9 months, I have held it really close to my heart.

This year my word is Discipline. In 2011 it was Visible. I don’t see any of this as oddly coincidental. In fact, I see it as empowering and VERY encouraging.

Now, to complete the sentences [which I’ll likely expand into paragraphs and ultimately far more, so this usually goes for me in AYWM].

To me, “enough money” means… 

I am current and complete with my financial responsibilities. Since I live on a fixed income, Social Security Disability, I know exactly how much money I have coming in and Now that I no longer have the 2/3rds that went away in September, I am VERY clear on what goes out and WHEN it goes out. The letting my car go and all that lifetime of “stuff” in storage are all about what is “enough” and what is the illusion of “enough” or “necessary.” It’s no real surprise that I am living within my means Now that I don’t have that extra which really was “excess/excessive.”

I don’t have enough _____ in my Life.

Well, I KNOW this isn’t meant to BE a trick question, but honestly, I don’t have an I don’t have enough ____ in my Life. I have everything I need or at least I am content with what I have. MayBE the only thing I could put there is Forgiveness.

I have too much ____ in my Life.

Well NOW I have an answer… I have too much debt leftover from when I had the extra support and a lifestyle that let me once again disrespect the whole notion of credit cards. I have too much shame about that, and too much regret that I didn’t catch on sooner, BEfore I got into the situation I am in.

I have just enough ____ in my Life.

This time I can make a list:

Time

Health

Energy

Joy

Wonder

Companionship [yes, really, I know my mum worries, but I am so happy in my quiet and simple little Life here in the Wee Cottage with Gracie]

Laughter

Inspiration

Challenge

Opportunity

Delight

Even though I complain or have complained [that is a word I dislike Very Much], my Life is extraordinary. I’m learning how to simplify it, enJOY its nooks and crannies, let it lift me up, and give me the capacity to imagine what is possible.

Pausing Whilst Playing: My Magical Now

Spiraling Up 

Ó 2012 Currie Silver, Wee Cottage Wonders

Somewhere in the late fall of 2005, I had something of an epiphany. I was dealing with my health and its steady decline and disruption of daily Life. I’d been on disability for nearly 4 years, spent way too much time at doctor appointments AND in hospital, and I simply said “WHEN!!!!” as I’d had Enough.

I’d met with “my surgeon” [talk about a sentence I’d never imagined coming from my lips] and he’d given me my options. Suddenly I said, I’m going to go a different way, though at that moment I hadn’t the first inkling of what that “WAY” was, looked like, or, frankly, anything about it at all.

As I was reading and exploring through A Year With Myself Module 23: Mindfulness: Learning to Use the Power of Now as a Tool for Change, I was suddenly aware of  the arc from that day to this. I could see where I’d actually “gone a different way.” And I felt my whole BEing break into a smile. [Note to Self: Trust Your Wild-Assed Utterly Crazy Notions… Just DO It!]

Susannah Conway’s prompt is utterly second nature for me. I realised that the pausing and giving myself time, Right Now, to notice and note Right Now, I see, hear, smell, taste, feel… was exactly how I have moved from BEing a person dealing with her disability to BEing ME, Currie, Living My Life NOW.

This is, of course, the very short version of How I Travelled, but it’s more than enough. It was that idea, somewhat, I admit, borrowed from the 12 Step World’s ODAT [one day at a time] and the I’ve had it with BEing a sick person. Somehow, like rubbing two sticks together, I’d built a cozy campfire.

Although I canNOT tell you precisely what changed, I CAN tell you EVERYthing did. How I think, how I see, how I approach events, how I talk to myself, how I hear what others say, how I hear that once very quiet voice that Now speaks up boldly and regularly…

I’ve also changed a LOT of the outer bits of Life. I’ve moved, twice, and ended a long relationship which seemed impossible to move BEyond until, finally, I just Let Go the side of the pool and swam for all I’m worth.

I’ve started writing again, something that, frankly, I’d forgotten I love so VERY much. I am exploring what interests and intrigues me, stepping BEyond the safety of what I CAN DO to discover what is possible.

It’s scary at times, I admit, but oh is it sweet to BE Me, Right Here & Now.

The Wonders of Learning To LET GO…

The Wonders of Learning To LET GO Ó  2012 Currie Silver

Alycia Neighbors’ prompt in A Year With Myself’s Module 22: Letting Go asked me straightaway last week to let myself ponder the somewhat littler Letting Goes of Life. Her delightful story of her daughter’s lost tooth reminded me of when I first BEgan even to BE aware that Letting Go was part of Life.

Having grown-up in a rather mobile way, I never truly understood what was required to hang onto the “stuff” that I’d accumulated. It just seemed to BE there. Until, that is, it was MY responsibility to move it. This, along with presumptions of so many things, made it exceedingly difficult for me to part with “things” as Life rolled on.

I remember my first significant “move” on my own, after my divorce in 1983. Moving across the country with my nearing 5-year old son, taking him 3000 miles from his dad, I recall BEing more concerned with our things than that fact.

Within the first year of BEing transplanted, I found myself without my son, having been overwhelmed by the sheer enormousness of EVERYthing Life was dishing up to me. He’d gone to spend part of the summer with his dad and I said, Let him go to school there, with you… It was at this time when I first discovered what Letting Go was REALLY about. Well, at least for me.

The odd yet honest thing I just put all together from writing the above was how little I understood about Letting Go of people. You see, I’d grown up living at a significant distance from my mother, and living with my father and stepmother, I was at a remove from him as well. I’d got used to having good friends at a distance, too, and seeing them in the summers, at camp, seemed to me actually normal.

Letting Go isn’t that hard, at least in my brain it’s NOT. But here’s another true confession. Shortly after I’d “let go” of my son I was attending a church where I was fortunate to have a minister who would talk with me. Mostly our talk was about Life things, NOT so much in a therapeutic way, but our talks did have that bent to them as well. I recall asking her to help me understand how to Let Go.

Honestly, I didn’t know HOW-TO. It was really a forest for the trees sort of thing. I remember she said to think of something as though it were inside a balloon. Then, let the balloon slip out of my hand, up up up and into the sky.

This has been my working definition for Letting Go for nearly 30 years Now. Always the whatever inside the balloon and up up up into the sky.

Now, with my son the age I was when I first started to ask how to Let Go, I once again find myself seeing trees where I used to only see a forest. I am one of the fortunate few who still has both her parents. Although I canNOT even remember them when they were together anymore, I realise that I’ve long ago let both of them go.

BUT…

I can’t figure, for the Life of me, how I WILL ultimately Let Go of them when that time comes. I suppose I am assuming they will go BEfore I DO, yet that is again an assumption. I mean, HOW DO I Let Go of mother and a father who have had only the smallest of roles in my Life for 50 years Now?!

These are some of my thoughty thinks about Letting Go. I didn’t set out to think them or write about them, I just let the Alycia’s prompt ride along with me.

Earlier today I had an appointment with my doctor. He was surprised that I’d Let Go of my car since our last visit in February. He wondered at my having NOT got a bicycle, or, in my case, a 3-wheeler. I realised as I answered him that I simply like living inside my day. “A bicycle is just another thing to consider, take care of, and manage. I am DOing fine,” I said, “riding the bus and using my own steam to get where I need to go to DO what I need to DO.”

In that response I pretty much have summed-up my thoughts on Letting Go. If it is essential to this day, I find how to manage it. If it means I have to stretch way BEyond this day, I simply don’t go there anymore.

Letting Go of my car was both sudden and slightly bodacious. And having lived Now 2 months without it, I realise how much I was always carting about and holding onto while I had it. I continue to reduce the amount of “stuff” I have. I am more aware of Holding On and Letting Go. They are so constant Now that I sometimes forget how far apart they lived for my whole Life up until recently.

Tying this back to Alycia’s prompt, I never really knew that holding onto the “stuff” of my Life, like my car, was blurring my vision. Since I let my car go I have felt like an entirely different person. I have discovered so much more strength, physically speaking, in me. I relish the walking I DO Now, the tiredness of my body at the end of a day. I have grown a new Soul in many ways, simply through reducing my Life’s cost by eliminating all that it costs to have a vehicle in this World.

I’d like to say I did this for the reasons above, but that wouldn’t BE the truth. I did it BEcause it was the only thing I could DO Right Now to reduce the costs of my Life.

BUT…

Instead of “reducing” anything I have been added to. I have opened up. And I have grown in ways both wondrous and diverse.

I have discovered myself inside my balloon. IMAGINE my surprise…

Kids Don't Come With Instructions  Ó 2012 Currie Silver

The Way I’m DOing My Life Now…

Julie Daley’s prompt in Module 21: Self-Awareness, speaks to a deep part of Who I Am Discovering lives inside my body, breathes my every breath, and thinksandfeels my every thoughtandfeeling. Once again I noticed the part of ME who steps away, off to the side, thinking she does NOT BElong here, is simply TOO Different, Strange, and Extremely NOT Enough. She can BE a handful, that ME.

My timeline, which until recently NEVER really occurred to me to investigate, is remarkably cyclical and consistent. And yet it follows no pattern, there is no discernible, at least discernible to ME way of circling the cycles. I CAN see patterns which have repeated similarly, but mostly I am only seeing those from Here, Now, in this place where I am engaging and exploring via A Year With Myself.

Little bits of ME over the past 59 years all seem to join together. Inside I am ME, Now, or whenever the “Now” was when I was “in that part” of my Life. When I moved back to the East in 2009, I had a chance to go through a large bin of photographs from my Life. Well, at least from 1953 until 1994. The ones from 1994 forward weren’t really “mine” to access, and BEsides, I wasn’t aware THEN that I’d NOT go back and collect the “stuff of a Life” I’d packed and organised so carefully in storage.

And yet…

Here is the thing about that: so much of what I packed and organised was WHAT WAS LEFT. Left after a HUGE Letting Go. And still, the more recent and Present Letting Go are on BEyond HUGE.

I have been a mover throughout my Life. Starting at age 6, when my family moved from Rochester, NY, to Winnetka, IL. Then at age 9, in April of 4th Grade for me, we moved BACK to Rochester. At 10 my parents divorced and in Very Short Order my father remarried and via the divorce agreement had shackled my mum to within 25 miles of Rochester OR she would lose custody of my brother and me.

There was another move, within that 25-mile radius, yet a few years later my mum had to get out and away. At that time I was only able to see through the eyes of a 13-year old, very unhappy, very angry, and even very neglected girl. It is, in fact, a part of my story that I am choosing Here & Now to Let Go. I was a child. What I did and HOW I did it was from the perspective of a child. It has taken all of these 46 years to REALLY grasp that fact.

There were a couple of years in there where my brother and I lived with our dad and stepmother, stepbrother, and stepsister. It could have looked “sweet” on the outside, but I assure you inside was anything BUT evenly loosely tied to “sweet.” Just yesterday my mum and I were talking on the phone [the vast majority of my Life and my relationship with my mum has BEEN by phone and in short spurts] and reflecting, each from our own vantage point, on How Things Have Tended To BE in our lives as well in my brother and father’s lives. It was interesting, BEcause for the most part I refuse to participate in these discussions with my mum. With anyone, really.

My next move was away to boarding school. Then college. Then Cape Cod for a year during which I discovered whatever I might WANT to DO in my Life, I wasn’t going to DO it without finishing college. Of course, with all the moves and changes of schools through my Life, it never really struck me as odd that I was all the time changing where I was living, learning, and making an effort to create a Life of My Own.

Anyhow, the timeline is less substantive once I reached, perhaps only by virtue of my age, “adulthood.” There were still many moves. Changes of work. Long chunks of Life living apart from my son. The thing is, somehow I never STOPPED dealing with My Life and its curious momentum from the age of 9. In many ways I am STILL that girl; it’s just that 50 years have gone by with me riding shotgun…

Recently I have been reflecting on this Life of mine for more than just AYWM. I’ve been on disability since 2002 and am at present looking to add a bit of work to supplement my disability income. It took me a long while to “get it” that I didn’t need to rely upon a resume in the way I did up until 2000, the last time I had to use one for working. Instead, BEcause Vocational Rehabilitation sent me for a psychological evaluation [read: testing testing 1 2 3] and then last week for a work evaluation [read: testing testing again and I still find fractions troublesome!!!] I’ve needed to make up a resume of my work history and my education. That document alone sums up something like Julie’s timeline. Very telling. Very intriguing to see myself and my Life summed up on one page.

While I was still receiving support from my former partner, I was terrified that I’d lose it [and, ultimately, I DID] and THEN WHAT WOULD I DO?! However, while the loss was sudden and done in a way that still stings me, it was by far and away the Very Best Thing Ever To “Happen To Me” In My Entire Life.

WHY?!

BEcause NOW I get to rely on ME, and on my idea of God, the Universe, and Life Itself…

The past 3 years I have let go of one thing and then another I was certain I could NOT live without. And yet here I am. Stronger. Happier. More ALIVE than I can remember, at least since I was 9, back in Winnetka.

It is sort of like carrying that Little Red Wagon of my stories and relationships. I thought I MUST hang onto it, or I should say “them” forevermore. But Now I know it is NOT about the stuff or the people or even the learning or work or places. It is only and ever it has only BEEN about Right Now, this moment, this day, this experience, time, companionship, or solitude.

I’ve had different stories for How I Live My Life and they’ve all been momentary. Blinks and times that came to pass. This story will change and pass, too. It’s just The Way I Am DOing My Life Now…

perhaps you need to shift your thinking, Currie…

Discovery By Taste-Testing Mama Deer

Module 20 - Getting Unstuck - Weekly Prompt

Lisa Wilder says:

What story, or series of thoughts, has been running in your head about why you’re feeling stuck?

It is good for me, BEing prompted in this way. Especially Now, when it seems much has been, through my DOing as well my NOT DOing, resolved regarding most of the stuckness I’d been mired in earlier this year. Just this morning, while tying my shoes to go out with Gracie for Morning Adventure, I looked up and saw the mind-map sort of thingie I’d made in December about how I envisioned 2012.

I was able to acknowledge that Currie. I was able to share with her how far she/we have come since that was written. She was so serious about having to “pay back” all her debt, so unwilling to see things in any other light than the one which highlighted her errors, fouls, and mistakes. I was able to let her know that her seriousness is seen and understood, and yet there is really NO “debt” that she owes. Amazing how something so simple as wrong-thinking can take us so very far afield.

How might you shift those thoughts, or re-write that story, in a way that will serve you rather than keeping you stuck?

A month ago, a few weeks after selling my car, having chosen to BE car-free as the one single thing ONLY I COULD CHOOSE TO DO to reduce my monthly financial obligations, I was speaking with a counsellor at a debt counselling service I’d happened upon last November. She and I have spoken BEfore and she is an excellent listener. She was able to see clearly something I was NOT seeing at all. She said just one thing, perhaps you need to shift your thinking, Currie… which stopped me like running full-out into a brick wall.

Last week I woke from a dream feeling markedly different and new. I couldn’t tell you, even if I tried REALLY HARD, what that dream was about. I only knew it was as though I’d had “psychic surgery” which un-tethered me from my old Life and Self completely. Since then I have this sense of freedom which is definitely NOT BEing or FEELING Stuck.

Break what needs to be done down into the smallest steps possible. Which is your first, or next, step?

When I was so totally focused upon what I owed, what I thought surely I MUST repay, and especially that which I had knowingly “rung up” in the past couple of years, I couldn’t get out of my own way long enough or far enough to DO anything but walk in place. Like walking on a treadmill, I was working up a sweat yet going nowhere, really.

I’ve had so many grand schemes and brilliant notions about HOW to pay off my debt. I think I was operating in another Universe entirely. What I imagine would BE the case were I to live where Gravity does NOT… But, the trouble with that entire mindset and way of living Life is that I was driving ahead with my eyes locked onto the rearview mirror. It took me the first quarter of 2012 to really “see” that, and it required many tiny incremental steps. As I thought I was moving forward I was only standing still, Life damming up BEfore me.

What support do you need to make taking that next step easier?

As I have worked through AYWM, week by week, week in and week out, staying current, I will admit a part of me thought I was just DOing it to “show myself” that indeed I can DO something with consistency and conviction. I thought, I’ll just keep my focus on this and let everything fall into place. But here’s the problem with thinking that: it’s simply insane. It has been the week by week, week in and week out, and staying current that has brought me to the place where my ears, and heart, NOT to mention my MIND, were open to hearing perhaps you need to shift your thinking, Currie…

I have started and let slide many things over the past few years, especially since my move back to the East Coast in 2009. This year, 2012, NOT so much, mayBE even NOT at all. What has made this possible is listening to things, especially the wondrous things I read and reread and embrace in AYWM. One little week at a time I have been “shifting my thinking” and allowing it to BE shifted by the words and wisdom and insights of this amazing program.

How might you reward yourself for having taken that first step?

Rewards are NOT what I used to think they were. Instead, they are the feeling of waking up with my first thought BEing genuine Gladness for the generosity of BEing given a new day. They are the ability to sit quietly with myself when overwhelmed, sad, or simply tired. To BE there, just BE with myself. And most of all they are the little and large encouragements that Letting Go, of EVERYTHING, is just how I roll, Now.

HOW I DO ANYTHING IS HOW I DO EVERYTHING: Thoughts on the Prompt from Desiree Adaway, Module 19

Learning To Let Go Ó Currie Silver 2011

I have been judging myself and my level of attachment to and participation in the variety of groups I am or have been part of. In particular, since it’s the one I am still most geared up for and plugged into, I’ve been judging my recent roaming far afield of the AYWM community. I’ve been thinking pretty harshly of my having any expectations at all of other people I don’t really know. And yet, I have these thoughts. This is NOT something I need to dig deep to discover. It’s right at the surface.

Last year and for the years of 2006 through 2010, I was all about trying to BElong, BE a part of, BE accepted, included, and most of all wanted. I can see the flaws in my approach very well from here, but during those years I couldn’t see it even if it jumped up and bit me on the nose. I felt there was this great conspiracy and trickery afoot. Why did people seem so welcoming and encouraging only to turn tail and run or flat-out ignore me when I stepped in their direction?! How was it that people I really didn’t know [or perhaps even like… the truth is just that simple] seemed to so quickly size me up and pass me over?! Again and again and again. Even the ones I thought there was some “there there” when we connected?!

Funny, sharing that “out loud” in writing lets me see myself in the way that brain scans reveal things that we’d’ve never imagined could BE seen, even KNOWN… It’s NOT even embarrassing to reveal this. It’s a relief. It’s like carrying an umbrella and rain gear through the desert on the off-chance that there might BE rain. Surely I did NOT think I was THAT important to THAT MANY people that they would all have conspired to leave me out or turn their backs?!!!?

This goes to the heart of How I DO Anything Is How I DO Everything. Lately I have made some HUGE changes in Who I AM and How I Live In This World. Some of it may well BE due to AYWM and the other things I have patched together over the past 6 years of zigs and zags, to-ing and fro-ing. The first BIG thing was letting go all the stuff I’d acquired, accumulated, deemed still essential to keep though all the while thinking I was really paring way down. The amount of stuff I left BEhind in storage in Sedona when I left to move East in June of 2009 boggles my mind. Blows it in fact.

Now I have let go of having something with 4 wheels, save for my nifty cart which has four wheels but NOT anything like steering capacity. I have learned to use public transportation and the two feet at the ends of my 2 legs. I haven’t even gone and got myself a bicycle, though I would get a 3-wheeler simply BEcause I know a regular bike would wreak havoc with my entire mid-section. I am learning each moment of each day how little I really require. How there isn’t [and likely never was] any good reason for my obsession with acquiring and “having” what I had acquired.

How I am “down-sizing” or “right-sizing” or simply adapting myself to Life Now is an across the board endeavour. It’s the same process with each new thing that comes into the equation. BEing a part of or acknowledged or noticed or even wanted have all lost their former compulsive appeal, too. Instead of noticing how this one or that is NOT living up to my expectations, NOT giving me what’s due me, or what have you, I am noticing how lovely it is to BE. Just BE. I have also discovered that the things I DO Now are done By ME For ME and NOT for anyone else’s approval or acknowledgement.

I suppose the biggest Ah-Ha!! for me has been the realisation that I please myself and that is really quite something. I have fewer and fewer expectations and really no demands. That’s huge. Gigantic even…

Letting Go has BEcome my Way. My practise, you might say… I savour and enJOY moments Now, even exceedingly long ones as in the steamy laundromat this morning. I show up. I Live. It’s just How I DO it. Now…